Success

“I got grade A English GCSE – think I’ll do a couple more GCSEs, no, AS levels, no, maybe I’ll do an access course, though I don’t want to go to university really.”
“ I got the job!”
“ I’ll send you a text when I have been swimming on Sunday.”
“ I will look at a couple of courses and think about doing them.”
“ I finished decorating my flat.”
“ I made two sandwiches this week.”
“ The change in his attitude is absolutely fundamental – like chalk and cheese.”
“ I’m in the papers. Again. And my film is finished. And I have to do an interview for Look East on Friday”

I seem to be surrounded by people succeeding just now. I am also enjoying the creativity of so many young people with Asperger’s Syndrome as they explore their capabilities in writing, music making, film making, academic study, exercise, friendships, DIY and sandwich making. Each of these examples is significant to their creators, and it is a wonderful pleasure to witness people achieving.

However, the problems don’t go away, and success can bring new problems:
“ Now I have to do the job and don’t have time to go running.”
“ Now I am expected to make my own sandwiches every day!”
“ I am busy every day now, with college and homework, and I can’t find time for my new friends!”

There is always some satisfaction in achievement. The thing you do may not be quite as good as you want, and there always seems to be another level to step up to, no matter how hard the last one was. It may not even feel like achievement at the time, and occasional successes often seem to be punctuated by long periods of featureless doing, but people seem to be built to strive. It feels good to do stuff and to extend your range. Having things to do gets you out of bed in the morning and sometimes stops you from thinking too much.

I was talking housework recently – “If I do all these things (washing the floor, hoovering, washing up, emptying bins, hanging out the laundry, shopping and on and on) I won’t have any time to have a life!” This is a serious disincentive, and for most of us it is probably a recurring thought (“how much time do I have to spend just keeping up?”) but in fact, we usually manage by finding a balance in which we look after ourselves, our home, our work, our families and our bodies and still have time for people and leisure. Sometimes we even get to develop a new idea as well!

In order to do this, we have to manage time of course – the only resource that is entirely finite – and we have to make compromises, not things that people with Asperger’s find particularly easy. The Asperger’s Coach he say “Tough! It’s better to do it and it’s got to be done.” There is something about the Asperger’s focus that leads to people taking on single tasks and ignoring the rest, and in the short term this seems like the easy option but it is ultimately unsatisfying – much better to take more control over your life and do the hoovering when it is needed. Much of my coaching is spent in bringing people’s attention to the less attractive tasks that lurk in the background of their lives, often being done unwillingly by parents, sometimes not being done at all. When people look hard enough at the mental struggle that goes on around these simple tasks they sometimes decide to stop fighting the inevitable and just do it.

It seems to me that one of the biggest impediments to action is reluctance to give up the focus on what you enjoy doing most. This can lead to an obsessional reluctance to stop, which can be very wearing. Anyway, it is in fact more fulfilling to develop a wider range of activities so that life is more balanced. This is what is happening with all the succeeders I have noticed at the start of this article, which is why the successes are significant – these guys are building their lives and finding ways to make things happen. Good luck to them and much applause as they develop their confidence and will so that they can make more difficult choices.