2008 - Talking about a Revolution

When someone comes to see me for the first time he often asks me how I work and what he can expect. Good questions, and I have to use the opportunity to let him know that although I can be close by and helpful, progress always depends on what you do – taking action is what moves you forward. Dammit! I hoped it might be easier than that, but no, taking action is what makes the difference. The trouble is that each action moves us out of our comfort zone – we are headed to new places, so each step is unfamiliar. Aspies really, really like their comfort zone!

So, as I was asked today, ‘What actions exactly?’ and of course I have to admit that I don’t have a clue – we have to spend some time together so I can get to know how you live, what defines your comfort zone and what makes sense to you as a new step. We also need longer-term goals, of course, in order to have a sense of direction.

My current recommended tool kit is this: have a daily routine in which you have as many opportunities as possible to do something you really don’t want to do (getting out of bed early, washing up, going for a walk around the block, exercise, cooking...). Each time you face these things you have an opportunity to learn something about yourself, and in the end the whole of life is about learning about yourself isn’t it? If you succeed in doing the damn’ task, then you are training yourself to believe that these things are possible for you, and it won’t take long for the new thing to be incorporated into your comfort zone – add it into the routine!

If you fail to do the task, then you also have an opportunity to learn about yourself – either you are setting irrelevant goals, or you are sabotaging yourself, and why would you want to do either of these things? If it is the former, whom are you trying to please and when are you going to start being responsible for your own life? And if it is the latter, then you need to understand why part of you wants to sabotage your development – it is always fear of some kind, and as soon as you look at fear directly it loses its power. Fear of discomfort vs. getting a job and a girlfriend… Think about it.

This structure and routine and doing of things just because they are there is very good at helping you to feel better about your life, in my own experience – I keep my home tidy and clean because I have to (otherwise clients would catch me out!) and because they make me feel better about myself. I get up early and feel better than if I get up later. It seems to me that we are all capable of sinking down lower, but that we have to learn to exert the energy to climb up higher.

So the New Year Revolution is to devise a way of maintaining whatever new habits you want to learn, to give up beating yourself up and to find a way to live your life in balance so that you have the necessary energy when you need it. Self-discipline is an unpopular word nowadays, though it is the key. But not the sort of discipline that says ‘you stupid fat ****!! Get it right!’ rather the sort that says ‘I won’t go to that party because it will be a lot of booze and I need to be up and doing the next day’. Or ‘I will eat a proper lunch because I need to be able to work right though the afternoon’. Or even ‘I need to take a day off and just go for a walk in order to get my energy back’.

There are no rules about the right way forward. You choose and learn from the choices you make. Do they help you to feel more powerful? If the goal is important enough and if you are loving enough with yourself, why on earth would you not do the necessary steps?

If not now, then when?